If I Were
by Justine Lark
Summary: Can Edward make Bella understand how special she is? Can she make him see how much she loves him? Takes place between Twilight and New Moon. Alternates between Bella's POV and Edward's POV. A short, sweet, romantic one-shot.


_Author's Note: This story takes place between Twilight and New Moon. I was inspired by Beyonce's beautiful song, "If I Were a Boy." Her story is very different, but it gave me the basic idea. I incorporated a phrase ("If I were...even just for a day") and some key words (hurt, lose, understand, destroy, listen, swear) from the lyrics. Of course, these characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer. _

* * *

As I lie next to Edward, I feel perfectly content. The air is loaded with his heady scent. I am drifting to sleep to the most soothing and peaceful sound in the world. He is humming my lullaby. I feel his cool fingers stroke my cheek. I know he'll stay beside me, watching me sleep as he does every night. Isn't that boring for him? My slowness, my clumsiness, my limited experience of the world must bother him, but he is always so patient and gentle. How does he do it? What is it like to be Edward?

If I were Edward, even just for a day…

I'd be a vampire. Always aware and alert, graceful and quick, supremely powerful, fearing nothing, not even death.

I'd have so many choices. I'd have eternity to go everywhere and do everything.

I'd live with brothers and sisters, two parents, surrounded by people who love and understand me.

If I were Edward, I'd be so smart. I'd have decades of memories to draw on and centuries ahead to learn from.

If I were Edward, I'd take care of myself. I wouldn't take chances. I'd listen to her, because I know how much it hurts when you're afraid of losing the one you love.

If I were Edward, being good would be easy. I could hear other people's thoughts, and I'd have all day and night to please those around me.

If I were Edward, I'd know I was beautiful inside and out. I'd never doubt her love, because I know how hard it is when you can't express how much you feel.

But I'm just Bella. I don't understand what he sees in me. So many things can hurt me, but nothing could devastate me as much as he could. I don't know how I'd go on if I lost him and everything we have was over.

I'm just Bella. I swear I'll try every day to make him know what I would know, if I were Edward.

* * *

Bella's breathing slows, and I know she has fallen asleep. I hum the familiar tune more and more softly until it is no longer audible, even if she were awake to hear. Her steady heartbeat is the most peaceful sound in the world. I relax and let my mind wander. It has been an ordinary day, but no day can truly be described as ordinary with Bella in my life and at my side. Every moment is delightful and mysterious as I enjoy her company and marvel at the unexpected things she does and says. Would there ever be a way to penetrate her thoughts? To know her completely? What is it like to be Bella?

If I were Bella, even just for a day…

I'd be human. Able to sleep, never having to pretend, free of the constant monitoring of other minds and the ever-present thirst.

I'd have so many choices. I'd change with time. I'd be living flesh, not frozen stone.

I could be injured. I would get cut and bruised and broken, no matter how hard he tried to protect me.

If I were Bella, I could kiss him with all my heart. I wouldn't have to hold back because I'd know he'd never let me go too far.

If I were Bella, I'd take care of myself. I'd keep myself safe. I'd listen to him because I know how much it hurts when you're afraid of losing the one you love.

If I were Bella, being good would be natural. Other people would come first and I would know how to make them happy without hearing their thoughts.

If I were Bella, I'd know I was treasured. I'd never doubt his love, because I know how hard it is when you can't express how much you feel.

But I'm just Edward. I don't understand what she sees in me. Nothing can hurt me, but she could destroy me. I don't know how I'd go on if I lost her and everything we have was over.

I'm just Edward. I swear I'll try every day to make her know what I would know, if I were Bella.

The night passes quickly as I watch the moonlight move across the wall, illuminate her beautiful sleeping face and then sweep out of the room. She calls my name and says, "Listen," but I can't guess at her dreams. The sky is light now, and I know she'll be awake soon.

* * *

When I wake up, the first thing I see is Edward's golden eyes on mine. He kisses me lightly. The cool touch of his lips brings a familiar thrill, and I twine my arms around him. "Would you do something for me?"

"Anything," he says.

"Would you try to see yourself the way I see you?"

"What do you mean, love? What do you see?"

"I see the best person on earth."

* * *

Her chocolate brown eyes are looking up at me with complete trust and adoration. I can see my reflection. I'm speechless. Every other person's mind is exposed to me. If they knew, they would want to keep me out. Only her mind is closed to me, but she wants to let me in. What would I see if I could read her thoughts? I try to imagine that words I'd heard her say to me were instead unspoken thoughts taken straight from her mind. If that were true, then I am more glorious and necessary to her than the sun, and I am completely loved. For a moment I believe it all, and I feel flooded with warmth. But it can't be that I'm so essential to her. She must have doubts, impatience with my limitations, and her human heart is changeable.

* * *

I see Edward contemplate my words. For a moment his face lights up with blazing joy, and I think I've made him realize how I feel about him. But his expression clouds over. It is as I expected. For some reason he can't accept my version of him.

"Maybe someday you'll understand," I say gently, sliding my hand along his marble cheek.

"Do you know what I wish?" he whispers.

"What do you have to wish for?"

"I wish I could put my thoughts into your mind. Then you would see yourself the way I see you. "

"What do you see?"

"I see someone who is perfect." He looks at me intensely.

As always, my head is spinning from the power of his scent and his stare. I'm so confused by his words and his nearness. I am a mass of imperfections. What he said cannot be true. But he didn't say I am perfect. He said I am perfect in his eyes. Is that possible? Does everything good and everything bad about me add up to someone who is perfect for him? If all he has said is true, than I am as beautiful and captivating as the sky. I define his world the way the sky defines the horizon, and I am completely loved. For a moment I believe it all, and I feel the breathless excitement of endless possibility. But I'm so ordinary. No human could leave a mark on his body. How could a human girl affect his heart?

* * *

I see Bella contemplate my words. For a moment her face glows with happiness and wonder, and I think I've made her realize how I feel about her. But her expression clouds over. It is as I expected. For some reason she can't accept my version of her.

* * *

Edward sighs, and the delicious current of air wafts over me. "Maybe someday you'll understand."

* * *

_Author's Note: This piece is so different from the other things I've done. It just came out of the mood of the song, the longing, disappointment and gorgeous sound. I would love to hear what you think!_

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